Letter to Myself: 2024

 Hello, hi?

well, it's been.... a quiet years, is it not? LOL

I've been wanting to write this since the past few days, thouht that I would write it on my birthday, but then I am glad that I didn't do it that day since I might cry and be sad all day! It's a big no. 

I am writing this after a good painful cry because I read some older post from this blog, dang, I used to be so alive years before, haven't seen that girl again for years haha.

Anyway, here goes the letter.

" Hi, should I that you for still alive?

Maybe I should. Thank you, for still being here, even though you still can't avoid the void that still thriving inside your heart. There are still good days, calm days, and of course your worst days when the pain in your heart is so unbearable. I appreciate your courage to still breating and standing here.

You are now a 老师, yes, suprisingly, just a private teacher tho, a few students, but you are doing just great. You enjoyed meeting the kids online & offline. The simple interaction keeps you going and makes you somehow, alive. Last month is the first time for you to do the offline teaching, it's just amazing. Thank you for still walking, every small steps matters!

You rarely paint or reading novels again, it is okay. Maybe right now it is not the good condition for your mind, because it will drives your mind to think all the worst things possible. You know that the world dont revolve around you, but, it's your damn life, do what your heart wants, protect your heart, your mind. But, I hope in the future, you'll be fine again, you feel alive again, the pure happiness again, because YOU MATTER.

Up until now, thank you for your tiny steps. I am wishing your tiny steps will lead you to something big, your wildest dream and your little love. I do hope your will to live would keep growing, you start to hope again, making a silly little wish again.

Until then, please stay alive. xoxo"

 My reason to be alive is as thin as a single thread right now, waiting its time to be snapped until I harm myself.

Being here is pain, being alive is pain.

I feels so alone.

Funny

 It is funny

To see

How people can easily living their life

But you don't

To see

How people can easily reaching their life goals

But you don't

How people can have life purposes

But you don't

It is funny 

To see

How people can easily forgive and forget 

But you don't

To see

How people can easily move on

But you don't

It is funny 

To see

How people can die so easily

But you don't

Dear God,

Why can't you just take me already?

Everything is hard

Living down here

And I just CAN'T.

The Demon

 The demon has awaken, again,

For worst.

The demon slowly eats her up,

Leaving her with nothing but darkness.

The demon came stronger than ever.

Some days she can live her life with a little laughter, 

Nowadays every steps she take, on her every breath,

There are guilts, 

There are fears,

There are anxieties.

Any wrong words that she heards or sees,

The demon would fill up with those guilts, fears, and anxieties.

Any wrong words that she heards or sees,

She would take it to her heart badly.

Any wrong words that she heards or sees,

She would break down to tears.

Until she lost her breath,

because her heart is in so much pain.

Like there is a thorn grows inside her,

Like there is a knives stabs her mutiple times,

Like the demon itself now live inside her.

The demon is now here, again.

Coming back stronger than ever.

Overpowering her.

For now, she let the demon wins,

Yet she haven't lost herself completely. 

This And That

Here goes things about me that I can't (or afraid to) say (or admit) loudly, so these cards read it for me.

In general you're very guarded and somehow afraid to take a step forward.
The card on the up left says you're very calculating. (true)

The card on the up right says you somehow don't wan to leave your childhood behind. (sure I am, deep down I hate 'adult', me and 'adult' didn't sync in my world)

At the same time, you actually knows what you should be actually doing without someone telling you. (Queen of Swords) (well, the reality, the irony)

And you are actually very hopeful. (Star) (.....yes, indeed)

Try to see everything in a different perspective (Hanged Man) and try to find balance between not changing of who you are, while also better yourself (2 of coins, down right) (true, that's why I put the guard up, I don't wanna change, it scares me)

There are bad habits and negative thoughts that is being an obstacle to your career for sure (Devil) and you need it to leave it behind in order to move forward. (the next card on the right) (at this point, my heart ache so BAD)

I get a feeling you are somehow for reasons unknown, scared of it? (5 of swords) (OUCH)

Just keep in mind that emotional support is always present in friend of family or friends. (Page of Cups) (I do have people that care for me, and I am very much thankful of them. But lately I've been building these walls around me, because I am in so much pain and don't wanna those people affected by me, they have their own life. I know that's bad. But hey, this is my self defense? So if one day I go down, I'll go down alone)

Anyway, the keywords for this case are Solidarity, Commitment and Listening.

In the end of the day, if someone ask me,

"How are you?"

Will definitely say,

"Not okay, but still alive."





Hope everyone out there having a better life than mine, cheers.
Nach.

Perhaps She Lost, Again.

Eum..........

Hi?


Well, it's been almost 4 months since I'm back home, after the whole wonderful time in China. I got to meet my friends again, catching up here and there, it was fun.
I told myself, when I'm back home, I HAVE to do stuffs done. With myself gaining more experiences and maybe more determined self? Yep, I need to starts put myself together again.
Me, after the fun year I spent in China, was confident like, yep I can do this. But hey, that is w r o n g thought of mine. Without me realizing, I am stepping the unknown, again. I am lost, again. In life, on my own mind, I just......................... don't know what should I do again.

You might wondering why this happened? Even I am still wondering.
Coming back means I have to face my fear again, face 'the old problem' that has been going on since I was a child, this so called problem is still here, and me growing up means I came to realize so M A N Y things that happened in the past, which perhaps, is the cause of my current situation.

I am not gonna tell if I am depressed, because I didn't check it to the professionals, but I can say that I am beyond sad, disappointed, to the point that I've been feeling miserable for the past few months, and I am scared, of myself. And it's hard to explain how I feel, still do.

Everything scares me.
People, this world.

It holds me back from searching job, because it gets me a lots of anxiety, well even meeting my friends now makes me anxious. Don't get me wrong, i love my friends dearly. It's just myself, this fear of mine. Once I tried to break it off by trying to go to job interview, well I am not confident and absolutely not in a good mental health, for me it's just like I am fooling myself. It was bad for me. Up until now I haven't gain any confident again. This fear only getting bigger and bigger. I know so fucking well that I have to fight this, but oh hello try to be in my shoes and feels this shit yourself.
For all my friends that super kind to give me and telling me to try this or that job, I really thank you all, really, but I am sorry I can't try it now. I never tell them the reason why, but just in case one of you guys reading this, why I won't try, it's because I am not quiet ready, I am still not mentally stable, I have this fear and doubt that is overpowering me, it scares me, I am scared of what I will become.

I've reached to the point that I once closed myself from my closest people. I didn't reply messages or phones, because I felt really really sucks. My world is falling apart. I cried a lot. I felt a lot. I am scared.

When my friends told me that they are here to hear my stories, I know they will, but as I said, I never tell them anything because I am not quiet sure either. It scares me too, all I can do is cry if they asked what is wrong, everything feels wrong.
On the other side, maybe I know what they gonna say if I tell them my worries.

"That's not a big deal, everyone had been through this too, you just need to try a little harder."

"You're not the only one who has problem in life, don't be such a weakling!"

"There are people who had bigger problem than you, and they are working hard in life. Why can't you?"

Oh yes, fun fact, I am weak and cannot deal with my feelings well. Since I don't want to hear words that gonna hurt me, I better stay silent, and cry.
I once tell some closest friends about my problem and starts crying, but all they said is exactly the 2nd quoted words above, it hurts me deeply and kind of traumatized me.
People have different methods of dealing problems and fears, just please don't ask me that I should do things like those people who are brave enough to deal with life. I am jealous of them who can survive, here I am barely alive. Even it takes me a lot of courage to write it here, because it is really suffocating me, almost everyday I woke up with a heavily burdened heart.


In conclusion, no, I am not okay, I am struggling, I hope it will be over, this pain or my life, anything. I just want this to stop.



Hope you all have more courage in life than mine.

XOXO, Nach.

Dream Comes True

Never stop believing, never stop wishing, and someday somehow, without you realizing it, it will come true. 

That's what I always said to myself, even sometimes I think that it MIGHT be too ridiculous or too big to come true, but then it suddenly happens.

I was born in the middle class family, which I could say my family is happy enough, we can afford delicious foods and I still can saving up money for my 'kinda' expensive novels. But then I think not for a overseas trip with the whole family, maybe we can, if we saving up the money for a few years, but my father prefer to saving up money for our schools first.

Going to Disneyland been ALWAYS my dream, since I was a child I believe, because my mother always feed me with fairy tales, and especially Disney things. I grow up believing in fairies (still do now, don't judge me), that Neverland and Wonderland do exist, and believing that I am resemble to Belle's character (we love reading books & wanting to have a great adventure somewhere!). So, yes, Disneyland is MUST visit place before I die.

Mom and baby me, with fake Donal Duck & Daisy Duck

My favorite cousin, which he work as a tour guide before, always shows me videos and pictures whenever he came back from taking a tour from Disneyland Japan or Hongkong, I was like, "Wow.... How amazing....", and he was like, "You will have your turn.", I just smiling whenever he said that, and praying that it will come true, but remembering that an overseas trip cost A LOT, I surely cannot ask my parents to paid me for the entire trip. And this dream, this Disneyland dream, I buried in my heart, not becoming my priority, maybe one day if I could get my own money, I will go there for sure.

Years passed, so much things going on, Disneyland dream is just a dream, just sometimes showing up on my head when I saw pictures related to that. 

But one day, I got a chance to study in China, full scholarship, and that was one of my dream too anyway, to study in foreign country. And actually, my first school option is in Shanghai, but didn't get in tho, but that's okay, everything happens for a reason, right? And on winter break, I got this chance to visit Shanghai, which one of Disneyland located! (actually, this Shanghai trip also supported by my father & roommate, bcs I am so BROKE after Harbin trip. love you all.)

Me and my 3 friends bought the ticket online, and yep it's cheaper than in the official application, but still expensive, but hey it's Disneyland, it's worth it.

We went there early in the morning, it was cold, because the day before is raining. The 高铁 ride is pretty long to, maybe almost 1 hour and 30 minutes? And finally, we arrived!

yUhUUUUUU

We got a free sticker as we help the workers filled a review.

It was crowded because it's 新年 holiday, Chinese New Year I mean, but I still can handle the crowds (I am the type of person that CANNOT stand too much crowds). I bought a cute headband in Disney store, actually I want to buy more but, no money, people, no money. I choose the rarest one of course, because I am different, I didn't follow the crowds.

LOOK ALL THE PRETTY CHOICES!

THIS MUST BE THE HARDEST DECISION OF MY LIFE?

But then again, love at the first sight with this one.

It's colorful! and sparkly! define magic! and special!

THEN I 100% READY FOR DISNEYLAND!

We went to watch the show first which located in Gardens of Imagination, in front of the castle. I got a good spot to watch it, and guess who's crying, of course, me. I was singing along and tearing up. It was.... magical.........

Uh, hello there.

After the first show, we went to watch another show, it was Frozen Sing Along! The playhouse is so pretty and amazing!

 They sang in Chinese, but well, it was fun! Then we went to rode 2 rides in Toy Story Land, the one that goes like Kora-Kora in Dufan, but SCARIER because we sat in the FRONT ROW what the fuck, even in Dufan I never sat on that seat. But yeah, I always love the adrenaline rides, it was amazing.

Just because.

Then we went to the MOST amazing rides I've ever saw in my 23 years of life, Tron rides. The waiting lines was like... almost 1 hour? BUT GUYSSSSS it was totally worth the wait! can't describe how amazing it is, it was like a rollercoaster, but the seat is like a motorbike, make it 10 times scarier, not scary tho, cooler, yap, BUT WELL IT WAS THE MOST AMAZING RIDE I'VE EVER RODE.

YES OR YES?

 And oh, Pirates of The Caribbean one is AMAZING too, damn Disney meets technology = out of this world. You need to experiencing that yourself, my words only cannot describe how A M A Z I N G it was. On the ride I was like,

"Whoaaaaaaa"


"....... wow....."

"w h o a"

I think Disneyland worth the price. If its not that crowded maybe it will be better, yap, I cannot ride all of the rides, but at least I rode the best attractions there.
Oh I also watched the parade, it was cute...

I took more videos than pictures, so, yeah.

And finally, with all the waiting outside in the cold for almost 2 hours, the fireworks show! I think I got a good spot to see the show, yep, I cries again, I know, but guys, this is my childhood dream and finally after 23 years and 2 months, I am here, watching it with my own eyes, of course I will cry.

Worth all the waits, worth all the believing and wishing.

WAIT I'M GONNA CRY AGAIN

While watching it, I was thinking, wow, this is it, you made it here, with a little force and a help here and there, YOU ARE HERE! Not watching it from your cousin's phone.
I was standing there and still cannot believe it anyway.

Too touched to speak.


Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.


For giving me a chance to see this with my own eyes.
I will be back for sure, or to another Disneyland, maybe.

This is what I always do, saying that I will be back, like 2016 when I visit Beijing for the first time, and 2018 I went there again, finding my way to be back again.

Now in January 2019, I write here that I will go to Disneyland again, and let's wait and see, when will I say I am back to Disneyland again?

So, dear my self, look what you can achieve now, through all the wait, cries, and of course, all the prays.

Please, never stop believing and praying.
You can do it if you really put your heart in it.

Dear self, another story already awaits, you take control of your life, so please, never regret anything, every bad things that happened to you is a life lesson, for your better self.
Dear self, love yourself more, love your stories more.

29th January 2019, she is happy to be home.

Love, Nach.