My reason to be alive is as thin as a single thread right now, waiting its time to be snapped until I harm myself.

Being here is pain, being alive is pain.

I feels so alone.

Funny

 It is funny

To see

How people can easily living their life

But you don't

To see

How people can easily reaching their life goals

But you don't

How people can have life purposes

But you don't

It is funny 

To see

How people can easily forgive and forget 

But you don't

To see

How people can easily move on

But you don't

It is funny 

To see

How people can die so easily

But you don't

Dear God,

Why can't you just take me already?

Everything is hard

Living down here

And I just CAN'T.

The Demon

 The demon has awaken, again,

For worst.

The demon slowly eats her up,

Leaving her with nothing but darkness.

The demon came stronger than ever.

Some days she can live her life with a little laughter, 

Nowadays every steps she take, on her every breath,

There are guilts, 

There are fears,

There are anxieties.

Any wrong words that she heards or sees,

The demon would fill up with those guilts, fears, and anxieties.

Any wrong words that she heards or sees,

She would take it to her heart badly.

Any wrong words that she heards or sees,

She would break down to tears.

Until she lost her breath,

because her heart is in so much pain.

Like there is a thorn grows inside her,

Like there is a knives stabs her mutiple times,

Like the demon itself now live inside her.

The demon is now here, again.

Coming back stronger than ever.

Overpowering her.

For now, she let the demon wins,

Yet she haven't lost herself completely. 

This And That

Here goes things about me that I can't (or afraid to) say (or admit) loudly, so these cards read it for me.

In general you're very guarded and somehow afraid to take a step forward.
The card on the up left says you're very calculating. (true)

The card on the up right says you somehow don't wan to leave your childhood behind. (sure I am, deep down I hate 'adult', me and 'adult' didn't sync in my world)

At the same time, you actually knows what you should be actually doing without someone telling you. (Queen of Swords) (well, the reality, the irony)

And you are actually very hopeful. (Star) (.....yes, indeed)

Try to see everything in a different perspective (Hanged Man) and try to find balance between not changing of who you are, while also better yourself (2 of coins, down right) (true, that's why I put the guard up, I don't wanna change, it scares me)

There are bad habits and negative thoughts that is being an obstacle to your career for sure (Devil) and you need it to leave it behind in order to move forward. (the next card on the right) (at this point, my heart ache so BAD)

I get a feeling you are somehow for reasons unknown, scared of it? (5 of swords) (OUCH)

Just keep in mind that emotional support is always present in friend of family or friends. (Page of Cups) (I do have people that care for me, and I am very much thankful of them. But lately I've been building these walls around me, because I am in so much pain and don't wanna those people affected by me, they have their own life. I know that's bad. But hey, this is my self defense? So if one day I go down, I'll go down alone)

Anyway, the keywords for this case are Solidarity, Commitment and Listening.

In the end of the day, if someone ask me,

"How are you?"

Will definitely say,

"Not okay, but still alive."





Hope everyone out there having a better life than mine, cheers.
Nach.

Perhaps She Lost, Again.

Eum..........

Hi?


Well, it's been almost 4 months since I'm back home, after the whole wonderful time in China. I got to meet my friends again, catching up here and there, it was fun.
I told myself, when I'm back home, I HAVE to do stuffs done. With myself gaining more experiences and maybe more determined self? Yep, I need to starts put myself together again.
Me, after the fun year I spent in China, was confident like, yep I can do this. But hey, that is w r o n g thought of mine. Without me realizing, I am stepping the unknown, again. I am lost, again. In life, on my own mind, I just......................... don't know what should I do again.

You might wondering why this happened? Even I am still wondering.
Coming back means I have to face my fear again, face 'the old problem' that has been going on since I was a child, this so called problem is still here, and me growing up means I came to realize so M A N Y things that happened in the past, which perhaps, is the cause of my current situation.

I am not gonna tell if I am depressed, because I didn't check it to the professionals, but I can say that I am beyond sad, disappointed, to the point that I've been feeling miserable for the past few months, and I am scared, of myself. And it's hard to explain how I feel, still do.

Everything scares me.
People, this world.

It holds me back from searching job, because it gets me a lots of anxiety, well even meeting my friends now makes me anxious. Don't get me wrong, i love my friends dearly. It's just myself, this fear of mine. Once I tried to break it off by trying to go to job interview, well I am not confident and absolutely not in a good mental health, for me it's just like I am fooling myself. It was bad for me. Up until now I haven't gain any confident again. This fear only getting bigger and bigger. I know so fucking well that I have to fight this, but oh hello try to be in my shoes and feels this shit yourself.
For all my friends that super kind to give me and telling me to try this or that job, I really thank you all, really, but I am sorry I can't try it now. I never tell them the reason why, but just in case one of you guys reading this, why I won't try, it's because I am not quiet ready, I am still not mentally stable, I have this fear and doubt that is overpowering me, it scares me, I am scared of what I will become.

I've reached to the point that I once closed myself from my closest people. I didn't reply messages or phones, because I felt really really sucks. My world is falling apart. I cried a lot. I felt a lot. I am scared.

When my friends told me that they are here to hear my stories, I know they will, but as I said, I never tell them anything because I am not quiet sure either. It scares me too, all I can do is cry if they asked what is wrong, everything feels wrong.
On the other side, maybe I know what they gonna say if I tell them my worries.

"That's not a big deal, everyone had been through this too, you just need to try a little harder."

"You're not the only one who has problem in life, don't be such a weakling!"

"There are people who had bigger problem than you, and they are working hard in life. Why can't you?"

Oh yes, fun fact, I am weak and cannot deal with my feelings well. Since I don't want to hear words that gonna hurt me, I better stay silent, and cry.
I once tell some closest friends about my problem and starts crying, but all they said is exactly the 2nd quoted words above, it hurts me deeply and kind of traumatized me.
People have different methods of dealing problems and fears, just please don't ask me that I should do things like those people who are brave enough to deal with life. I am jealous of them who can survive, here I am barely alive. Even it takes me a lot of courage to write it here, because it is really suffocating me, almost everyday I woke up with a heavily burdened heart.


In conclusion, no, I am not okay, I am struggling, I hope it will be over, this pain or my life, anything. I just want this to stop.



Hope you all have more courage in life than mine.

XOXO, Nach.

Dream Comes True

Never stop believing, never stop wishing, and someday somehow, without you realizing it, it will come true. 

That's what I always said to myself, even sometimes I think that it MIGHT be too ridiculous or too big to come true, but then it suddenly happens.

I was born in the middle class family, which I could say my family is happy enough, we can afford delicious foods and I still can saving up money for my 'kinda' expensive novels. But then I think not for a overseas trip with the whole family, maybe we can, if we saving up the money for a few years, but my father prefer to saving up money for our schools first.

Going to Disneyland been ALWAYS my dream, since I was a child I believe, because my mother always feed me with fairy tales, and especially Disney things. I grow up believing in fairies (still do now, don't judge me), that Neverland and Wonderland do exist, and believing that I am resemble to Belle's character (we love reading books & wanting to have a great adventure somewhere!). So, yes, Disneyland is MUST visit place before I die.

Mom and baby me, with fake Donal Duck & Daisy Duck

My favorite cousin, which he work as a tour guide before, always shows me videos and pictures whenever he came back from taking a tour from Disneyland Japan or Hongkong, I was like, "Wow.... How amazing....", and he was like, "You will have your turn.", I just smiling whenever he said that, and praying that it will come true, but remembering that an overseas trip cost A LOT, I surely cannot ask my parents to paid me for the entire trip. And this dream, this Disneyland dream, I buried in my heart, not becoming my priority, maybe one day if I could get my own money, I will go there for sure.

Years passed, so much things going on, Disneyland dream is just a dream, just sometimes showing up on my head when I saw pictures related to that. 

But one day, I got a chance to study in China, full scholarship, and that was one of my dream too anyway, to study in foreign country. And actually, my first school option is in Shanghai, but didn't get in tho, but that's okay, everything happens for a reason, right? And on winter break, I got this chance to visit Shanghai, which one of Disneyland located! (actually, this Shanghai trip also supported by my father & roommate, bcs I am so BROKE after Harbin trip. love you all.)

Me and my 3 friends bought the ticket online, and yep it's cheaper than in the official application, but still expensive, but hey it's Disneyland, it's worth it.

We went there early in the morning, it was cold, because the day before is raining. The 高铁 ride is pretty long to, maybe almost 1 hour and 30 minutes? And finally, we arrived!

yUhUUUUUU

We got a free sticker as we help the workers filled a review.

It was crowded because it's 新年 holiday, Chinese New Year I mean, but I still can handle the crowds (I am the type of person that CANNOT stand too much crowds). I bought a cute headband in Disney store, actually I want to buy more but, no money, people, no money. I choose the rarest one of course, because I am different, I didn't follow the crowds.

LOOK ALL THE PRETTY CHOICES!

THIS MUST BE THE HARDEST DECISION OF MY LIFE?

But then again, love at the first sight with this one.

It's colorful! and sparkly! define magic! and special!

THEN I 100% READY FOR DISNEYLAND!

We went to watch the show first which located in Gardens of Imagination, in front of the castle. I got a good spot to watch it, and guess who's crying, of course, me. I was singing along and tearing up. It was.... magical.........

Uh, hello there.

After the first show, we went to watch another show, it was Frozen Sing Along! The playhouse is so pretty and amazing!

 They sang in Chinese, but well, it was fun! Then we went to rode 2 rides in Toy Story Land, the one that goes like Kora-Kora in Dufan, but SCARIER because we sat in the FRONT ROW what the fuck, even in Dufan I never sat on that seat. But yeah, I always love the adrenaline rides, it was amazing.

Just because.

Then we went to the MOST amazing rides I've ever saw in my 23 years of life, Tron rides. The waiting lines was like... almost 1 hour? BUT GUYSSSSS it was totally worth the wait! can't describe how amazing it is, it was like a rollercoaster, but the seat is like a motorbike, make it 10 times scarier, not scary tho, cooler, yap, BUT WELL IT WAS THE MOST AMAZING RIDE I'VE EVER RODE.

YES OR YES?

 And oh, Pirates of The Caribbean one is AMAZING too, damn Disney meets technology = out of this world. You need to experiencing that yourself, my words only cannot describe how A M A Z I N G it was. On the ride I was like,

"Whoaaaaaaa"


"....... wow....."

"w h o a"

I think Disneyland worth the price. If its not that crowded maybe it will be better, yap, I cannot ride all of the rides, but at least I rode the best attractions there.
Oh I also watched the parade, it was cute...

I took more videos than pictures, so, yeah.

And finally, with all the waiting outside in the cold for almost 2 hours, the fireworks show! I think I got a good spot to see the show, yep, I cries again, I know, but guys, this is my childhood dream and finally after 23 years and 2 months, I am here, watching it with my own eyes, of course I will cry.

Worth all the waits, worth all the believing and wishing.

WAIT I'M GONNA CRY AGAIN

While watching it, I was thinking, wow, this is it, you made it here, with a little force and a help here and there, YOU ARE HERE! Not watching it from your cousin's phone.
I was standing there and still cannot believe it anyway.

Too touched to speak.


Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.


For giving me a chance to see this with my own eyes.
I will be back for sure, or to another Disneyland, maybe.

This is what I always do, saying that I will be back, like 2016 when I visit Beijing for the first time, and 2018 I went there again, finding my way to be back again.

Now in January 2019, I write here that I will go to Disneyland again, and let's wait and see, when will I say I am back to Disneyland again?

So, dear my self, look what you can achieve now, through all the wait, cries, and of course, all the prays.

Please, never stop believing and praying.
You can do it if you really put your heart in it.

Dear self, another story already awaits, you take control of your life, so please, never regret anything, every bad things that happened to you is a life lesson, for your better self.
Dear self, love yourself more, love your stories more.

29th January 2019, she is happy to be home.

Love, Nach.

Winter Wonderland

15th January 2019, 哈尔滨 Day 1: The Arrival 

IT'S HAPPENING. You could say this is an unexpected journey of mine. 

From the start I haven't thinking about going there, because people said its too cold, I couldn't survive there if I go, BUT HERE I AM NOW typing this in the hotel room.

So, how can this trip happened?

This trip happened because my classmate ask me if I want to go to Harbin with him, so I was thinking..... yep I actually DO want to go, but the Indonesians that I'm close with didn't want to. Even one day my father called me and asking me why I didn't go to the "Ice and Snow World" which located in Harbin, that's the biggest Ice Lantern festival in the world? that's what Wikipedia said tho, BUT yes that festival is totally beautiful. And one Indonesian traveler which I followed on Instagram just went there, I saw all her Instastory and I was like..... WOW, must be great to go to there, AND HERE I AM NOW.

Ok, so, the two of us, with so much help from his father, make this trip happened.

We went to Zhengding airport at 3.50 PM, yep we took a night flight. Once we landed, the plane didn't directly arrived on the terminal, we have to take a bus there, so once I stepped out of the plane..... SO THIS IS HOW COLD IS HARBIN, damn. And we have to take another taxi ride to the hotel, and I should say this hotel is decent, so good even. AND YES a kinda pricey for me, but it's ok, I RARELY have this kind of exPenSiVe trip, and I am happy.

We will start our adventure tomorrow morning, we already make an itinerary, hopefully we can full fill it!

16th January 2019, 哈尔滨 Day 2: Parks, River, & Parks!

Today I get up at 7.30 and lazying around until almost 8 AM then started to get ready for the day! First we went to the St.Sophia Cathedral, which got a Russian architecture, but first we went for a breakfast inside a... some kind of Tanah Abang or Mangga Dua in Indonesia, there's a food court there, I ate a bowl of noodle that I can't finished, so such a waste of 10元. After that we take some pictures in front of the cathedral and around that area.

Then we decide to directly go to Zhaolin Park which there have pretty ice sculptures!

And we think this must be more beautiful at night, so I told Santiago (here comes my travel partner!) can we wait until dark and see how is the sculptures looks like, as he said yes we went to the river first! we just need to take a walk for a few minutes and we arrived! It was amazing how the whole river is frozen.... And it was cold, really, but I still can handle it! maybe just sometimes my hands and toes freezing to death.

Santiago wants to play some game in the river so I went with him, me actually want to walk to the middle of the river near the bridge, but its too far, its REALLY cold, and I didn't want to risk anything because no one go there that time! But I think from where I am standing that time, I felt really grateful already.

The frozen Songhua River!

In front of the river there's Stalin Park, we went there too. After that we go back to the plaza near St.Sophia Cathedral to warming up with a glass of hot Chocolate in Coco. To kill the time we went to some shopping mall and a bookstore near Zhaolin Park until its dark outside and go back to Zhaolin Park!

Wrapped up like a burrito. 

After Zhaolin Park night view, we went back to our hotel to rest for a while, ordered Burger King for dinner, buy some snacks and bread for breakfast, watching movie while eating, and now I am typing this while having Korean sheet mask on my face.

But really, I am grateful and thankful that I can come here..... It was incredibly beautiful, and amazing, for me to finally experiencing this kind of winter holiday.

17th January 2019, 哈尔滨 Day 3: Another Park & Snow Sculpture Expo!

Today we go to 太阳岛公园, I THOUGHT that the 门票 only 30元, because that's the internet says, BUT turns out that the 门票 for winter is.... 330元 wow, because there's a snow exhibition, and some free games that we can try, and the park is beautiful too.... frozen and beautiful.

She & snowy park.

The park is covered by snow, so... beautiful......

The most crowded part in the park only where the snow expo located, and near the frozen river where there's some free games that the visitors can try on. Other parts of the park like.... no people  visited there, because it's just a park. But for me, an empty, and covered by the white snow park give me this calm energy.... It's really peaceful, with the faint sounds of musics from afar, standing in the middle of empty park gave me this emotional feelings. So, the two of us also exploring other part of the parks.

These sculptures made by people from different county across the world!

This one made by the Indonesian's artist from Bali! #proud

Le baby travel mate feat a deer statue.

I cannot find another word for this... like I am so grateful, I would NEVER forget this experience.

18th January 2019, 哈尔滨 Day 4: The Highlight of The Trip!

As my travel mate said he is sleepy, we went to the 冰雪大世界 at 1 PM, the ticket price is 330元, expensive I know, with that price you can buy 高铁 tickets Shijiazhuang - Beijing, Beijing - Shijiazhuang. But well, it was WORTH IT. I really want to cry when I stepped into the ice world........ I am literally speechless.

Always, small 安娜. 

Stairways to heaven, perhaps.

Even the sky looks majestic here, I am out of words.

Since we went there when the sky still bright, it was not that cold, and we still can see how's the view in daylight. After walking around, we went to KFC to have a rest, ate some chickens & fries. Went out again to a room like a hall? we stay there until around 4 PM when the sun starts setting down, and they already turn on some of the lights. 

This was a touching moments for me, few years ago when I still struggling studying Chinese language, my text book have this text about 哈尔滨冰灯冰雕, and who knows, in 18 January 2019, I am standing here, seeing what I read years ago, it was...... an amazing feeling. Well, I always get emotional about things.

Your letter will go directly to Elsa and Olaf from here.

This one is my favorite Ice Sculpture Castle!

Well, this is actually the highlight of the trip. Tomorrow, early in the morning we're going back to Shijiazhuang, but in 3 days I will be flying again, to Shanghai.
So, this Harbin trip maybe such a last-minute-decision-trip, and a brave choice of course because the weather in here is SUPER cold. But then, I am having fun, and really really happy.

My biggest thanks goes to Santiago, who out of nowhere asking me if I want to go to Harbin with him. 

If he didn't ask, maybe I will never go to Harbin, and experiencing the REAL winter, a winter wonderland. 

So, thank you, very much.

Love, Nach.