Everybody have their own inner self, their true self, which maybe a little different with how they show it to other people.
In my case, my inner self (and I'm still learning myself up until now, literally) I think is not that different from what I shows myself to the others. I am a childish one, an introvert, I am shy, I prefer a quiet place than being in the middle of the crowds, I am more like a coffee person than tea person, and I do love my friends, whether they're close or not (but apparently I'm not important enough for some people that I proudly call them 'good friends' for them to drop a single birthday message to me, well that's okay, maybe not)
Nowadays I basically do nothing but being in home, doing everything what I can do while talking to the inner me in my head. Yes, I do talk to myself, in my head (or sometimes I mumbling out). Here's some question that I ask myself, daily:
"What do you want to do now?"
and
"Are you happy?"
Sometimes I can't answer it myself because? I feels that the environment or place that I'm currently living in is not giving me enough room to what I want to do. Like every-single-thing. I want to live in a place that inspire me. A place that I can enjoy every time I breath. But currently I just can't get out of this place and searching for a place where I truly belong. So here I am, still stuck in the same old hole, figuring out how can and crawl out and happily enjoying every single seconds in my life, because all I want to do is going out there, somewhere, and I want to be happy. Genuinely happy. Without this unsolved problems, unanswered questions.
Another thing.
I somehow a tiny bit irritated nowadays with people who keep asking did I applied a job or not? Here's the thing. I do want to get a job. But, I want to do it if I think it's really what I want, not because my family or other people asked me to do it, because I'm the one who gonna work all of it. You see, I can be a quiet stubborn person. I don't really like too much tension in my work, it's not that I can't handle it, it's just I don't like it if people give me too much pressure. Others says "Nah it's okay to experiencing it so that you can learn from it." well, hello? I experienced it enough, that's why I can say that I'm not a fan of working under pressure, and that doesn't mean I can't work under that circumstance. Then others says "If you adamant about that way of thinking then you should work by yourself." and hello again? That's why here I am still trying to figuring things out? so that I can be happy, without depending others.
Truthfully, I still have a lot of things on my mind, which I often talking this and that to myself. But yea, probably this are the things that occupying my minds for the past few months.
As I always said to every wishes to everyone, "semoga selalu diberi kebahagiaan" "hope you'll get a lot of happiness", so I'm wishing the same wish to you whoever read this,
"You can drown yourself with everything; money, fame, or love, but don't forget to be happy. To make yourself genuinely happy."
And for my dear little self, whatever it is, whatever people say, for how much tears you wasted enough, I believe, somehow, someday, I'll make myself genuinely happy. Happy 22th birthday.
