Perhaps She Lost, Again.

Eum..........

Hi?


Well, it's been almost 4 months since I'm back home, after the whole wonderful time in China. I got to meet my friends again, catching up here and there, it was fun.
I told myself, when I'm back home, I HAVE to do stuffs done. With myself gaining more experiences and maybe more determined self? Yep, I need to starts put myself together again.
Me, after the fun year I spent in China, was confident like, yep I can do this. But hey, that is w r o n g thought of mine. Without me realizing, I am stepping the unknown, again. I am lost, again. In life, on my own mind, I just......................... don't know what should I do again.

You might wondering why this happened? Even I am still wondering.
Coming back means I have to face my fear again, face 'the old problem' that has been going on since I was a child, this so called problem is still here, and me growing up means I came to realize so M A N Y things that happened in the past, which perhaps, is the cause of my current situation.

I am not gonna tell if I am depressed, because I didn't check it to the professionals, but I can say that I am beyond sad, disappointed, to the point that I've been feeling miserable for the past few months, and I am scared, of myself. And it's hard to explain how I feel, still do.

Everything scares me.
People, this world.

It holds me back from searching job, because it gets me a lots of anxiety, well even meeting my friends now makes me anxious. Don't get me wrong, i love my friends dearly. It's just myself, this fear of mine. Once I tried to break it off by trying to go to job interview, well I am not confident and absolutely not in a good mental health, for me it's just like I am fooling myself. It was bad for me. Up until now I haven't gain any confident again. This fear only getting bigger and bigger. I know so fucking well that I have to fight this, but oh hello try to be in my shoes and feels this shit yourself.
For all my friends that super kind to give me and telling me to try this or that job, I really thank you all, really, but I am sorry I can't try it now. I never tell them the reason why, but just in case one of you guys reading this, why I won't try, it's because I am not quiet ready, I am still not mentally stable, I have this fear and doubt that is overpowering me, it scares me, I am scared of what I will become.

I've reached to the point that I once closed myself from my closest people. I didn't reply messages or phones, because I felt really really sucks. My world is falling apart. I cried a lot. I felt a lot. I am scared.

When my friends told me that they are here to hear my stories, I know they will, but as I said, I never tell them anything because I am not quiet sure either. It scares me too, all I can do is cry if they asked what is wrong, everything feels wrong.
On the other side, maybe I know what they gonna say if I tell them my worries.

"That's not a big deal, everyone had been through this too, you just need to try a little harder."

"You're not the only one who has problem in life, don't be such a weakling!"

"There are people who had bigger problem than you, and they are working hard in life. Why can't you?"

Oh yes, fun fact, I am weak and cannot deal with my feelings well. Since I don't want to hear words that gonna hurt me, I better stay silent, and cry.
I once tell some closest friends about my problem and starts crying, but all they said is exactly the 2nd quoted words above, it hurts me deeply and kind of traumatized me.
People have different methods of dealing problems and fears, just please don't ask me that I should do things like those people who are brave enough to deal with life. I am jealous of them who can survive, here I am barely alive. Even it takes me a lot of courage to write it here, because it is really suffocating me, almost everyday I woke up with a heavily burdened heart.


In conclusion, no, I am not okay, I am struggling, I hope it will be over, this pain or my life, anything. I just want this to stop.



Hope you all have more courage in life than mine.

XOXO, Nach.